National Treasure 3 Plot Revealed: “We’re going to steal Donald Trump’s medical chart from Walter Reed hospital.”
Exciting news for cinephiles dropped this weekend as the plot for the long-awaited third installment in the National Treasure series was revealed. Sources familiar with the production say the new film is going to tackle the pandemic, crumbling democracy, and some good old-fashioned treasure-hunting.
“So basically, um, in this new script, Nicholas Cage’s character becomes obsessed with, uh, this idea that the location of an ancient treasure is written in code in Donald Trump’s medical records,” a producer who wished to remain anonymous said on Saturday. “Meanwhile, uh, most major news outlets want to get their hands on the president’s medical chart, since the White House is being so secretive about his actual wellbeing. So CNN – I mean, BNN, that’s what we’re calling it in the movie, BNN! – gives Nicholas Cage’s character the funds to execute his mission. Do you smell smoke? I think I left the stove on at home, bye!”
“Script? There is no script,” the director of the film said after taking a long drag of a cigarette. “The whole thing was filmed Borat-style over the course of a single day. Nick Cage was fully in character. But make no mistake: no one else was.”
Early footage released to news outlets shows Nicholas Cage standing outside of the hospital, discussing his approach for the heist. “You have to think of this building as a body. What part of the body does this disease affect? The respiratory system. We have to break into the lungs of this building.”
Fans will also be able to catch the return of Justin Bartha, who will be reprising his role from the original films.
“I got a text from Nick that was like, ‘hey, meet me in front of this hospital,’ and I thought, oh, that’s weird, but why not?” Bartha said. “Then all of a sudden, Nick is knocking two doctors unconscious, dragging their bodies into an alley, and stealing their clothes and ID badges. Not exactly how I wanted to be spending my Saturday, but hey, I’m just happy to be working again.”
The new film will mark Donald Trump’s return to acting after nearly two decades, with his last performance being in Home Alone 2. The difference with this film, though, is that he won’t know he’s in a movie!
“You’d think the cameras and the boom mics and the A-list actors would’ve given it away, but not with this guy,” the director said. “For some reason he thought he was at a country music concert. He thought Nicholas Cage was Blake Shelton. He kept saying, ‘Blake, Blake, how’s Gwen? Beautiful woman.’
National Treasure 3 will be available to stream on those TVs you sometimes see at gas pumps in rich neighborhoods.