10 Tips and Tricks To Help Conservatives Sexualize The GOP In Order To Save It

1.  Edit the acronym

Grand Old Party? Not sexy. Time to take a page out of the WAP handbook, because there’s some whores in this house, and they want to take health care away from poor people. Consider something like “Great Outstanding Pussy.” It’s appealing, and better yet, it sounds like a Trump quote. You can’t go wrong!

2.  Give more funding to the USPS

Nothing sexier than owning the libs by turning a government service guaranteed by our constitution into the peak of American greatness.

3.   Exclusively air Fox News on Only Fans

It’s the perfect way to get off TV, make a quick buck, and be associated with SEX!

4.  Exclusively air Fox News on Porn Hub

A step up from OnlyFans, in terms of the sex factor. You can’t go wrong with this one!

5.  Convince Ryan Gosling to be a Republican

If you wanted a solution that’s a total shoo-in, this might be it.

6.  Change the mascot

Elephants just aren’t sexy anymore. Time to change the mascot to the sexiest animal I’ve ever seen: Tony the Tiger! With those muscles, he could carry this entire country on his back! Rawr! And yes, he has a restraining order out against me, I don’t want to talk about it!

7.  Replace the phrase “faking an orgasm” with “fake news”

Why not drop some fun little republicanisms into your everyday activities?

8. Make sure to wear your face mask in public

Believe us, Republicans look way sexier when half their face is covered!

9. Release a calendar featuring the sexiest Republicans

Invest all your money in this!

10. Replace all photos of President Reagan with photos of him when he was a young, hot actor

Mr. Gorbachev, tear down these pants!