Instead Of Voter Fraud By Mail, We Should Be Worried About Voter Fraud By Two Kids In A Trench Coat

As the November 2020 election draws near, President Trump has voiced concerns about the potential for voter fraud, as in most states, voters will be casting their ballots via snail mail. And while election officials have contradicted this statement – emphasizing that voting by mail is one of the most secure ways to vote – they have brought up a different, though unsurprising, concern.

 “Our biggest source of voter fraud comes from two kids in a trench coat sneaking into the voting booth,” election official Mark Hamberg said Tuesday. “One kid stands on the other kid’s shoulders, and then they put a big trench coat on, so they just look like one normal-sized adult. It could fool anybody, really.”

Children in trench coats has long been one of the most insidious forms of voter fraud in the United States. Though statistics on the subject are difficult to gather, political science experts say the practice reached its peak in the 1930s, and the child voter turnout helped push FDR into the White House.

“Most people don’t know this, but the trench coat was actually invented by children in the early 1800s so they could sneak into congressional hearings,” political historian Polly Umbridge said. “Children have always been prone to using large clothing items to influence politics. Just look at Queen Elizabeth I. You might think those big dresses were a fashion statement, but in reality, England was being ruled by five children shuffling around in a complicated pyramid formation.”

Election officials have long been puzzling over how to counteract the problem of children in trench coats voting illegally, but no matter how intricate the precautions, children in trench coats can manage to find their way around them.

“During the 2018 elections, we hired security guards to act as bouncers outside the polling locations in our county,” Hamberg said. “Little did we know, each security guard we hired was really just two kids in a trench coat. They are truly unstoppable.”

When asked if there were any procedures that could possibly be put into place to prevent children in trench coats from committing voter fraud in the future, Hamberg had this to say:

“The main problem is, they are very good at tricking us in person, so voting by mail is the only way to stop them,” he said. “If we had an entirely mail-in election, dare I say, we would not have a single instance of two kids in a trench coat voting illegally.”